Why Bullying Bullies Doesn't Work
Earlier today I posted the above tweet & got a certain response that I thought would be important to address, hence inspiring this piece.
The response read:
This piece is in no way meant to attack the person who wrote that, the person who responded with that is someone who follows me who I have nothing against. However, I wanted to address this because unfortunately I would say I have found this to be a pretty common misconception.
I initially responded to the person explaining that the above method does not âworkâ, but instead usually causes vicious cycles of abuse. It was obvious though that this needed further explaining as to why that is.
Here are what makes that logic so heavily flawed.
First: many, if not most, bullies do not consider themselves bullies. There are many categories of bullies, but I will speak on one category that I have most experience & knowledge on & where my education lends itself most to - manipulators.
I myself have had more experiences than I would ever have liked to with manipulative types, as well as have helped many other people through their own situations with these types. In almost every single one of these situations, the person doing the manipulating believes themselves to be the victim in the situation.
That is part of what often makes these situations so complicated. They, more often than not, do not view themselves as doing anything wrong. & will often be able to convince others they are the victim as well, which confirms their belief to them.
There is a study that was tossed around quite a bit online & in articles throughout later 2020 as victim signaling & the BLM/Antifa protests & riots had become fairly widespread during the pandemic lockdowns.
This article by Reason Magazine does a decent job summarizing the results of this study, stating the study suggested that people with high levels of dark-triad traits (Psychopathic, manipulative, and narcissistic traits) are more frequent signalers of "virtuous victimhood."
This however is not just simply a false view they have or them necessarily lying. Studies & research come out over & over again that most abusive people come from a background of being abused themselves - creating whatâs known as the âcycle of abuseâ.
Rob Henderson funny enough, just shared a post yesterday linking a piece he wrote on this specific topic.
Throughout his piece he sites some of the studies & research used in the book Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty by the psychology professor Roy Baumeister. This book, as well as Robâs piece, breaks down the misunderstanding people often have that there are clear good & bad guys in this world, as if people are just born into one of these categories. As well as the misunderstanding that the people who do bad things do it because they enjoy doing bad. You will find that most of the horrible atrocities committed in history, were actually done in a mindset of them believing they were doing the âright thingâ or acting in justice. There is a reason the quote âThe road to hell is paved with good intentionsâ exists.
There is one particular show that will always have a special place in my heart because I thought it did such a good job displaying this concept within a story, unlike most stories where there are very clear âgood & bad guysâ; that show being Once Upon A Time. One of the episodes particularly sums up this idea, where a character you initially considered to be a âbad guyâ & then later grow to love as a kind of âgood guyâ makes the statement: âEvil isnât born, itâs madeâ.
There are events & various factors in our lives that help teach us how to cope with bad situations & learn how to not respond with doing bad things ourselves. But there are many of those who just werenât properly taught that, & that is how you get those who end up bullying. This in no way excuses their behavior, quite the opposite, understanding this gives you insight on how to effectively respond to those situations.
In fact, holding them accountable is one of the ways they may potentially learn.
But this goes into my point - if bullies then usually actually look at themselves as the victim, if you respond to a bully by bullying them, all you are doing now is confirming to them that they are indeed the victim. This will then result in them feeling justified to âretaliateâ, thus creating a cycle of revenge or abuse. If by small chance you do it to such a level that you successfully make them scared of you & they leave you alone, all that will likely happen is they will carry their perception of being the victim to a different situation with someone else & take it out on them instead.
The chance of that situation making them question their tactics or learn anything is extremely low, if not zero.
Second flaw with that logic, which goes along with the first point: What happens if you misread the situation to believe you are being bullied/manipulated/sweet-talked when in reality it was just misunderstanding or miscommunication?
Again, going back to Robâs piece or the book he refers to or any of those studies, they describe how most perpetrators believe they are victims & therefore, their actions are justified. What if youâre the one who believes you were a victim & your actions are justified, & it was simply because you misread the situation?
Antifa & âwokeâ types are great large scale examples of this. They believe all these people who donât agree with them are fascists, racists, bigots & they are justly fighting back against them. If they bothered to have real conversations with most of these people instead of assuming the reasons for their disagreement, they would find out that they are for the most part largely misunderstanding the situation & what their actual stances are. This has now ironically turned a lot of them into genuinely really bad bullies, some eventually realizing that, many though, still have not.
You can also of course find the reverse too with the political parties.
If you end up being the person who misreads the situation, & then responds by bullying or manipulating them âin returnâ, congratulations, you have made yourself the actual bully & perpetrator in that situation.
These are two big reasons why âbullying a bullyâ does not work.
How do you actually deal with a bully?
Communication & boundaries. NOT by bullying them in return (or manipulating, etc).
Communication especially is what prevents that second situation from happening. âSeek first to understand, then to be understoodâ is important in these type of situations. The very first thing you should be doing is trying to speak to the person, starting by asking questions as to why they are doing what they are doing. You may just find out in this step that it was simply a misunderstanding (this of course more applies to verbal or other psychological types of perceived bullying, if someone is intentionally physically hitting you, that changes some of the steps you should be taking).
Setting up boundaries is also important in this. But to set up actual effective boundaries requires communication, going back to the idea that communication is key. Boundaries serve the purpose of helping you determine who is trustworthy enough to have close relationships with or not. They work by communicating upfront what you are & are not okay with in a relationship, making it known that in order to have a relationship with you, these are your rules. It is basically like setting up a contract, in order to get x (a relationship with you), you have to agree to these rules. If the person does not respect your rules on how you prefer to be treated, then they do not get the benefit of having that relationship with you & you distance yourself from such people.
If you do not communicate this clearly though, you will likely end up with a huge mess, & potentially unnecessary hurt. Boundaries only work properly with clear communication.
For those who are Christian, or at least donât mind ignoring a bunch of biblical scripture references, thereâs a very well known book I often recommend called Boundaries by Psychologists Henry Cloud & John Townsend that can help further your understanding on how to set up healthy boundaries.
Outside of that, becoming well versed in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) concepts will help you to step back, assess the situation more clearly, & help you gain control over your reactions rather than act on in-the-moment emotional responses. Jonathan Haidtâs Coddling of the American Mind is generally one popular recommendation I give in learning about CBT concepts.
Seeking a psychotherapist who utilizes CBT, or if you know of someone who has proven to be trustworthy & has good understanding of these topics, is also a good idea in order to have someone to support & help guide you in the direction of properly handling your situation. Whoever you choose to consult needs to be someone who has your best interests in mind whom you trust to challenge you, not someone who will simply coddle & reaffirm any of your prior thoughts.
In the end, itâs important to first communicate to avoid situations of misunderstandings & endless cycles of abuse. & if after you communicate, there is no resolution, & the person has no desire to change anything, the thing you need to do is hold them accountable & distance yourself as much as you can. If you are dealing with a situation where you can not easily distance yourself - like in school, or work, or even family - reporting & getting help from the proper authorities is very important, whether it be your teacher, your boss, or even the police. Keep in mind, the bullies having to face the consequences of their actions & not getting what they want, is not only best for you, but is also the only chance theyâll ever even reconsider their own behaviors, & may turn out to be best for them in the long run as well. But bullying in return is never the proper action to take on a bully.